Things you find when looking for something else!

I'm a packrat. I'm not sure when exactly it started, but it's for sure gotten worse as I get older. I've seen shows on Oprah and Dr. Phil recently about "hoarders" and quite honestly, I'm not sure what the difference is between that and being a packrat ... but it's for sure I'm probably both. hahaha

Anyway, I was looking through the stack of small notebooks I've kept for the last about 10 yrs and actually came across my first attempt at a blog. I didn't even remember starting this one. I'll probably try to combine it with this one but until that day, here's a link with several of my dolls.
http://www.angelfire.com/blog/cassiopea/

I've rediscovered the joy of doll making and will try to keep updates with my finished projects. I might even try to do an "in progress" as I attempt to learn the art of reborning. Here's a link that explains what it means to create a reborn doll. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reborn_doll I have two kits sitting in my craft room, waiting for me to get brave enough to dive in and learn this new skill. I'll still be working with porcelain dolls but these vinyl dolls really appeal to me also.

But, the start of this post was about being a pack rat and in order to start this new direction in creativity ... I must excavate my craft room yet again. Seems that it's still in a shambles from all the card making and sewing I did before my knee surgery. Which translates into the fact that every surface is about 2' deep in the left overs from summer time. lol I should make that my first "in progress" project, with pictures and everything. Maybe I'll start that tomorrow.

In the mean time, before I fall into bed, here's a few more pictures of our Oregon trip in October. These were on Lesley's camera so it took a while to remember to get them from her. :)

Here's the four of us out at the ocean. I've never in my life seen so much sand. I think the dunes there are about 7 miles long and at least a mile wide. It was incredible!

Here's dare devil me leaping hills like I knew what I was doing. At the time it felt like I was flying through the air ... lol ... it's sort of a let down to see I was barely leaving the ground. :)

Here's a great picture of Howard with his toy. He's a lot braver than I am ... which also got him in a few spots he had to have help getting out of. Seems he liked falling into deep spots. lol

Christmas is coming?

Rumor has it that Christmas is on the way ... and our family has made the move from store bought gifts to those needing more thought and creativity ... ie, hand made or home baked. I have a ton of sewing projects slated for all the grand kids and kids, etc ... and yet I've spent the last week in a frantic rush to finish a doll.

This is a doll I started probably well over a year ago and just never stuck around long enough to finish. It's hard to progress when you go to class for 2-3 weeks in a row then drop out of sight for 6+ months. The mystery to me is why there was such a driving need to finish her, when there's so many other things that need to get done. (Like excavating my craft room from the last crafting blitz, which was prior to August and the knee surgery. lol)

This last week I spent 2-3 days just shopping for the *right* shoes for her. Thursday I spent the day fighting with her body. I'd gotten the pattern but no instructions and I figured I could wing it ... I just didn't realize how truly frustrating it would be. However, all obstacles overcome, aside from missing eye lashes, she is done. And here's her photo.

Epiphany ...

By definition, an epiphany is a sudden, intuitive perception of, or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I know we all have them as we travel this path to a newer version of who we always *thought* we were ... last Friday I had a new one. It's been a while since I've had one of those aha moments that weight loss can cause for us. Some of my first ones were fitting into a booth in a restaurant, having my wedding ring fall off, being able to sit in a chair with arms for the first time in YEARS ... but none had the "oh my God" impact that my most recent one had.

Because of the weight loss, I was able to have both knees replaced. While I'm glad I don't have to go back to have the 2nd one done, I can't honestly say I'm at the point where I would recommend anyone do both at once. I had them done August 25th and it's been a frustrating journey to recovery. However ... last Friday at physical therapy, my darling tormentor (otherwise known as my physical therapist lol)led me out of his office, around the corner and pointed to the staircase.

Now as I'm sure most of you can agree ... prior to weight loss the majority of us probably looked at stairs like they were Mt. Everest and something to be avoided at ALL costs ... So, when he pointed to them and said "Get going" ... my first reaction was to laugh and say yeah right. But he was serious, and since he's done amazing things for me so far, I decided to humor him and give them a try.

I made it to the 2nd floor.

I amazed myself.

I made him very happy.

But it wasn't until I was driving home that it dawned on me ... when we got to the top and stood there looking out the window at the scenery ... my knees were complaining ... but I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't sweating like I'd just run a marathon ... I was calmly standing there enjoying the view. The tears started and I almost had to pull over to the side of the road.

What a monumental, mind boggling epiphany!! I wasn't even breathing hard. I struggle weekly it seems with who this new person is. Having had bypass surgery April of '07 and two new knees this year ... there are days when I don't feel like I have a clue who I am anymore because of all the changes.

But last Friday the one thing I did know was ... I'm damned glad I was brave enough to take the step towards that new person. For any of you that are wavering on the edge of "Is this the right choice for me?" ... I would tell you it's the only choice. It's the most important choice you can make ... to give yourself the gift of health and freedom.

Oregon was a blast!

Oregon was such a blast! We had beautiful weather the whole week. I think it rained during the night on Tuesday but by Wednesday mid-morning it was back to sunny. It was pretty cold and a couple of days there was some wind ... but all in all it was gorgeous.

We left Saturday morning and drove as far as Roseburg and stayed in a Walmart parking lot. Our first time doing that, but it was a very quiet location. Only thing that woke me up was the street sweeper cleaning the parking lot. Sunday morning we got up and after a quick trip into Walmart (we found out last summer going to Colorado it's not possible to pass a Walmart without needing something. hahaha) we were back on the road to Florence. Arrived there about noon and found our spots with no trouble at all.

Here's what our campsite looked like after unloading.


Lesley and Bryce were on our right, just out of the picture. Bryce's sister Kim and her family (husband Roger and their three kids Emily, Lee, and Lizzie) arrived about an hour or so after us and as soon as they were unloaded we hit the sand for the first time. Lesley went with me in the Rhino and ended up doing most of the driving that first day. We made it out to the ocean and raced up and down the beach on the wet smooth sand. Sadly, while we were out there Emily's quad decided to cough and die so Roger went back to camp for a tow strap and we used the Rhino to tow her back to camp. It was still a wonderful first day!

The whole group went out for one more ride Monday morning before Kim and Roger left for home. I stayed in camp and Bryce took Emily for the ride of her life in the Rhino ... sounds like he gave her a few thrills. lol

The rest of the week was filled with riding and eating. There's nothing like the great outdoors for sparking appetites and between the crock pot and Bryce's dutch oven we were dining like royalty!

Howard and I went out one day by ourselves and I learned a valuable lesson. When your husband says go fast ... you should think twice!! The first video shows what happens when you follow directions ... you get airborn! I'm pretty sure the people back home heard the scream as I felt the Rhino leave the ground. To me, it seemed as if I were FLYING!! When I look at this video it makes me laugh because I think I was all of maybe a foot off the ground. Sure didn't seem like it at the time. hahaha




This next video is me just trying to get over my fear of rolling down a hill sideways. There were several steep hills that served as my testing ground for going up, feeling the Rhino start to bog down, and making a U turn to come back down again. It's the sliding sideways down a hill that still un-nerves me. There were a couple where I didn't even have the chance to make the turn and I had to put it in reverse and back down. That's not a lot of fun either.



We left Florence on Friday, mid-morning and headed for Lapine where Kim and Roger live. They have a really beautiful piece of land with a very small house that's an octegon. The three kids share a bedroom with a triple decker bunk bed and Kim and Roger have the other bedroom. One bathroom ... brought back my growing up years on Keeney Way with only one bathroom. Not sure how we did it. I don't think any of the houses we've lived in since Alturas have only had one bathroom ... makes you very spoiled, I think.

Saturday night was Emily's homecoming and she was a trooper about having all of us there to give advice, tell stories, and listen to Roger try to talk her out of actually going on this "first date". I think the funniest part was when he changed shirts right before they went down the road to the boyfriend's house for pictures. lol Kim seemed the only one outraged at his "Trailer trash" shirt ... Emily thought it was funny and Kim just kept telling him, "You are NOT wearing that!!". In the end he put a sweatshirt over it. :)

That night we capped off a week of wonderful food with one last "over the top" meal. Roasted hotdogs over the fire, then dipped them in a cornmeal batter and fried them in up in one of the dutch ovens we had hanging over the fire. Kim made a pumpkin dessert in her dutch oven that was out of this world! We sat up around the campfire telling stories and laughing ... and fell into bed about 10pm. Pretty late for Howard and I ... we'd been going to bed most of the week by about 8:30 ... but it was a wonderful night!

Sunday morning we packed up again and hit the road for home. It was a REALLY long day and it's about the only time the whole trip where my knees were completely cranky with me. I'm not sure if it was the combination of the end of an extraordinary week, or the thought of having to leave all the fun and go home again ... but we got to Marysville (about 30 min from home) and my body was done. Thank goodness we were that close to home!

All in all it was just a super vacation and we're already planning a trip to Sand Mountain for the weekend before Thanksgiving!! Can you say "Got sand??"

Ready to go? Well mmmm almost. lol

We're headed up to the sand dunes along the Oregon coast with the two trailers and our 4 toys and tonight my brain has melted into a puddle of goo trying to figure out if everything is done. My body is telling me that I seem to have forgotten it's semi-fragile recovering status and so most of everything from the shoulders down is speaking to me in rather LOUD rebukes which translate to making me walk/shuffle about like I did right out of the hospital.

So tomorrow I'm under orders from the boss man to do nothing, just give him directions and let him take care of the last little bits. I'm not sure why that doesn't totally fill me with confidence ... but it doesn't. lol Last time I left things for him to do I ended up at Disneyland with only the clothes I was wearing. Everything else was back at home in the hangup bag he'd convinced me to put my clothes in. *grin*

Anyway ... I'm drugged and headed off to bed to hopefully sleep soundly for at least 5 hours tonight. We're both like little kids on Christmas Eve ... can't wait to get up and go play in the sand!

Have a great week and I'll be back around the 20th. :)

Depression ...

I seem to be fighting depression more and more frequently in the last week or so. I'm not sure what causes it, I'm even less sure how to *fix* it. I know I'm tired and frustrated with the pain ... the constant and nagging pain. I'm frustrated with the slowness of the recovery.

I'm not someone who sleeps on her back and it's getting to where I dread going to bed because if I do try either side ... it works for about 2 minutes ... then I have to give up and return to my back.

My right knee won't bend enough. I have to push til I'm in tears or in fear of throwing up from the pain. Every day I attempt to force it here at home and I give up when it gets to the tears phase. I don't seem strong enough ... motivated enough ... whatever ... to work past that and I'm sure that's what inhibits my recovery.

We're going to Oregon in 5 days and at best I can sit at my desk or in the truck for about 30 minutes without having to get up and straighten my knees again. I was hoping to be able to sit in comfort in the truck ... but it looks now like I'll spend the trip in the trailer so we can cover more miles.

Maybe I just needed to write/vent about this ... maybe it will help somehow. All I know is I'm totally drained and tired of tears ... so very very tired of them.

Six weeks post op

LOL !!! Never post when you're drunk or drugged!!! I decided to leave that last one just for comedic relief. Now on to the topic at hand.

Wednesday was my 6 wk post op with Dr. Klug about my knees and the appt. went really great. I didn't realize he was concerned with how the incisions themselves would heal, but he was extremely pleased with their status. He also was happy to see via the xrays that there was little or no scar tissue forming.

A concern both he and my physical therapist share is the slowness/lack of progress I seem to be making in the range of motion, without pain ... area. I'm up to 95 degrees with my left knee and 90 with my right ... but it's still only with breath robbing pain that I can get those numbers.

So Dr. Klug said there's a procedure he can do when we get back from Oregon that requires an over night in the hospital and he'll knock me out ... then manipulate my knees (ie force them to bend past the point my pain allows) to stretch out the muscles so that I can get better results myself, without so much pain.

While I'm not hot to go back to the hospital ... the idea of having him help my muscles without all the agony is tempting. So he gave me the next 4 wks to work on it myself and if I can't work past the pain he'll help out.

I'm working on changing the words I use ... today at therapy Ryan asked if it hurt ... I said it hurts so bad and he corrected me with "no, it hurt so good!!". So I'm going to try changing that, and that should help me change my outlook. Give me more strength and fortitude to push past the pain and not give up like I do now.

It's the weekend and I hope everyone has a great one!

Can we say WEEEEEE to drugs?

It has taken me 29 minutes to log into this thing becaues I took my drugs frist. I had to type the account name 5 times and the password at least 15 tijms and all the time i'km gtting juts a little hazier and hazier ...

BUT!! The good news is the doc says i'm doing an awesome job and the scars temselves have healed way way better than he expected them to ... the bend is where we're having issues ... i need to bend tehm so that is what i have to workk really reall yhard to get ready for oregon and the sand dunes!!

Alas it's timefor me to go fall into bed.toorrownight will be a new sleep numberbed and i acn't wait for it to be here!!

TTFN my lovelies!! <3

Rhino's fancy paint job!

Finally found a picture that does justice to the fancy paint job on my Rhino. I held out for the 2008 Limited Edition with it's Midnight Armor because it looks less plastic than the solid red/green/blue colors do.

This was on our trip to Cisco Grove the weekend right before my surgery. We played out in the woods Thursday - Sunday ... came home ... parked the trailer and went to bed. Got up Monday morning and headed to the hospital!

Three weeks and counting ...

So ... I had my first appointment with the physical therapist at the clinic here in Lincoln. For the most part it went well and was fairly encouraging. He wants to stress building muscles more than the flex/bend aspect of recovery. He says that will come as I build muscles and that seems to make sense. He also said that I may never get the same degree/range of motion as the next person because I spent so much time prior to surgery being inactive because of the pain.

The exercises he's given me seem to be faster and easier to do but based on my attempt this afternoon I'm going to have to keep taking the drugs as long as I'm doing these exercises. Without the drugs even the simplest of movement reduces me to tears and frustration and a complete feeling of hopelessness. *sigh* I'm such a baby it's sad.

Tomorrow will be my first day home alone ... Howard's going back to work and I'll have Jaiden here by myself and I'm a little concerned how that's going to go with me not quite so swift in the walking department yet. lol Thankfully she's one of those really great toddlers who entertains herself and rarely gets into trouble. It will just be getting her lunch and then getting her into bed that has me worried.

Saturday we went to the Rhino store and ordered new seat belts and a back seat and Bryce is going to start the "remodel" this weekend probably. The finished product will look something like this ... it will even have the bracket for the ice chest on the back so we can take lunches with us on longer trips. The biggest difference is mine will have a backseat that goes in the rear bed ... between the front seats and the ice chest you can see.

One of these days I'll figure out this blog and how to make things work. It was easier when it was straight HTML years ago but I'm too lazy to dig out my books. lol

A week later ...

It's now a week since the surgery and I wish I could say things are going great. I guess for the most part, things are progressing in a positive fashion ... but we don't have a handle on the pain management yet and that simply drains me.

I spend the majority of the day in pain. In the hospital they always asked on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst ... and here at home I would say it's a pretty steady 4-5 all the time. This morning I finally put a call into Dr. Klug's office and had them change/add to the pain meds so hopefully that will help.

It's just so hard to stay upbeat and positive when I can only manage sleep in 1-2 hour intervals at night. I think if I could get a solid 5 hours even ... things would be a lot different.

I find myself wondering if it would have been easier to do just one at a time even though it would mean going through this twice. Sometimes makes me wonder what it would have been like to have twins. Right now when I get one leg comfortable ... the other one acts up ... get that one moved around and at ease and it seems like 5 min later the other one is acting up again.

There are so many times in the day I get reduced to tears and that "poor pitiful me" feeling. I get feeling so hopeless sometimes ... then I feel stupid that I'm not able to be stronger and deal with this with more dignity.

I can't wait for the day when I can get up out of my chair myself ... and to swing my legs back up onto the bed without help. Those are the two things I simply cannot manage on my own yet and that's so frustrating.

Tomorrow will be better ... I have faith. :)

Surgery experience

Surgery is over and done and here's a sort of capsulated account of my week.
********* P * S * A *********
Incoming wall of text. Please keep arms and legs inside the moving screen at all time. If you find your eyes glazing over please stop reading immediately, go outside and breathe some fresh air before attempting to continue.

This PSA was brought to you by a drugged up Sharon who's sense of humor is slightly wonky atm.

*************************************************

Monday:
Check in about 10am ... answer all sorts of inspiring questions like "Do you have a Durable Power of Attourney"? "Do you have plans in place and a person designated as your *voice* should you become incapciated or go belly up?" ... lol Things like that ... not necessarily designed to make you feel comfortable. Finished that thrilling session and we got sent to the waiting room. Now I'm getting a bit more nervous but am planning on being able to start up my mp3 and do some relaxing. No such luck. Called me in almost the minute we walked in the door.

I don't remember much of the surgery ... but because I had a spinal instead of general anethesia ... they took me to my room almost immediately it seemed. The rest of that day passed in something of a fog for me ... I'm sure it's because of the wonderful drugs. lol

Tuesday:
Started at 12am. Got woken up and told I had to roll to my right a little and they shoved a pillow under my left buttcheek ... my groggy mind was like "huh ... zzzz" 1am ... they wake me up again, tell me to roll to my left side and the move the pillow under my right cheek and now I'm almost awake enough to think wth?? 2am, they wake me up and move me to the right again and now they've got a cranky drugged up person on their hands. Apparenlty there's a new protocal that demands this rolling around exercise to prevent bed sores. Now come on really ... I've been in the bed less than 12 hours and they're worried about bed sores?? By 6am I was ready to rip someone's head off because they'd come in every single stinkin hour all night to do this!! I thought screw that and got permission from my dr to tell them bug off ... if they came to do it the next night.

So okay we have the bed sore thing taken care of but that only guarantees you sleep between midnight and 5am becaue 11:30 is shift change so they come through to update the incoming nurse with each patient. Then at 5am the lab comes in to draw blood, then 6am they come in to do vitals, then at 7am it's another shift change and 8am they bring you breakfast. Don't ever believe you'll get rest in a hospital.

Tues. also introduced the Matt/Matt, Matt/Tim, Matt/Jeff team(s) into the mix. They were the sweet and caring, diabolical physical therapists. I'm pretty sure I know now ... why most PT's are feared or disliked. They're the most cheerful and upbeat slave drivers in the world. The encouragement and smiles I'm guessing are supposed to cover up the mean streak that allows them to drive you past the point of exhaustion and frustration. First day on my feet I managed a whole 10 inches sideways .... took me about 5 shuffling steps to manage that much. (At this point I'm really REALLY thinking about hiring a hitman to come track down my surgeon for convincing me doing both knees was a great thing to do.) hahaha I got to visit with the pt guys twice a day. They quickly became the bane of my existence. hahaha

Tues. also brought out the CPM machine http://www.med1online.com/p-37472-kinetec-prima-advance-knee-cpm-machine-5614-80.aspx

Howard immediately dubbed it "the rack". lol It bends and straightens my leg for me to work on range of motion. It's nearly impossible (it seemed) to get both legs into the machine 100% aligned each time ... and if they weren't the whole process was just painful. (Or if your darling spouse takes advantage of you dozing off to bump it up from 50 to 65 over the course of an hour.) Got to enjoy the fun of that machine for 2-3 hours, twice a day.

Wednesday:
Wed. was actually a fun day. I got a visit from a gal with her therapy dog. A sweet Norwiegen Elkhound (spelling?) who's name I never did hear. We talked for about 30 min and I think I'm going to look into training our *cough* puppy Willow to become one of those.

Wednesday moring I also got the sleepy giggles because apparently the gal doing vitals that morning hadn't gotten the word I sleep with ear plugs. So she came in and started talking to me as she moved around the room getting things ready ... and I failed to respond. *goofy grin* I guess by the time she came over and gently touched my shoulder she was pretty freaked out. I felt bad but still it was pretty funny.

By this day I'm able to stand and manage about 3 feet forward in a slow, shuffling, old bag lady sort of walk with my walker. (Yes ... you heard me right ... I'm reduced to being a granny with a walker. hahaha) I've also reached the pinnacle of sucess!!! WAAAHOOOOOOO!!!! I can use the bedside comode (ie toilet) instead of the bed pan. You men have absolutely NO clue how impossible it is to pee laying down. Apparently my brain just isn't wired that way. lol

Thursday:
So the Physicians Asst. comes in to talk to me ... very kind manner but very serious also. Apparently I won't be going home today afterall because I need a blood transfusion. Part of the reason I'm so listless and weak (aside from the actual trauma of surgery) is that I'm very anemic and need 2 units of blood. Took the rest of the day to get that done.

I've now progressed on the CPM unit from the orginal 20 ... up to 70 (which is the degree of flex in my knee. lol The goal is to reach 110 by the end of therapy!) and I can walk forward with the walker about 6' now. I still can't get myself in and out of bed without help and that's a pain ... but things are progressing.

The physical therapist strongly recommends that I go to a care facility for the first few days before I go straight home because I'm just not as far a long as he'd like. So I take his advice and make plans to do that.

Friday:
Didn't sleep well Thurs. night which is always a bad thing for anyone who has to spend time with me ... ie the darling hubby. To top it off I had the day nurse come in while he was off getting coffee and tell me that I'm really slacking on the CPM and should be to at least 100 before I go home and I'm only at 70 so she cranks up to 80 and leaves. That's all it took to crash my spirits and send me back to Poorpitifulme City. Howard got back and found me wallowing in my pity party and backed the machine off to about 72 and then the phone rang. Talk about devine intervention!Thank heavens for online friends. :)

With spirits on the rebound, I get ready for lunch. Now I know the pt guys will be back about 1:30-ish so I decide to finish up the session on the rack. I always get sleepy that time of day so Howard (the rat) takes that opportunity to bump up the machine without me being aware of it. He took it from 70 to 95 and when it got there it woke me up because it hurt so much. I laid with my eyes closed, thinking "stop being a wuss" so I tried to ignore the stretching and bending agony but I couldn't. I told him to get me out of the machine. He tried to just back off the number and that wasn't going to hack it so I told him "get me out of it now!!" and hit my nurse call button. She came in and helped get me out of it ... I asked for the magic shot of dilaudid ... and told Howard "DO NOT WAKE ME UP!! EVEN IF THE PT GUYS COME." Stuck my ear plugs in and went to sleep and the pt guys had to wait almost 45 min to come torture me again. lol

I eventually got released and we headed for the SNF ... pronounced sniff and stands for Skilled Nursing Facility. It was anything BUT a skilled facility. :(

We got there and the first thing we were flabbergasted at ... was they had no clue who I was or what I was coming there for. Howard had already given them the paperwork from the hospital that stated I was a bilateral knee replacement patient ... yet the nurse that came out to help my out of the car apparently didn't know that. She brought out a wheel chair with no foot rests. We were like WTH??? So she says get me in the wheel chair and then she'll go get the legs.

Now we didn't even think to tell her both my legs were out of commission so I suppose we can't blame her for figuring I could manage better on my own, right? Anyway, the upshot is I ended up basically falling out of the truck into the wheel chair (Thank God I actually was close enough to the wheel chair to not land on the ground!) ... talk about something that made me want to scream.

So now we get inside and are treated to the next bit of skilled *cough* nursing ... they didn't know which room/wing I was supposed to go to. They finally sort of figure it out and off we go and the next thing this skilled person does is clip the corner of a doorway with the left foot rest. About this point I lose my cool and suggest she let me drive myself since obviously I'm better at it than she is. We get to the room and it's a cramped 3 bed room and I'm at the far end. I guess they figure putting me by a window makes up for the fact that I don't have a TV or an AC vent.

THEN ... we find out that the selling point of going was I'd get pt twice a day there ... where as at home I'd be getting it twice a week. Well ... apparently their pt's work Mon-Sat ... the first session is an evaulation only ... and they don't work Sundays or holidays. So lets look at this ... we checked in on Friday night ... my first session would be an evaluation Sat. morning ... then I wouldn't get any pt til Tuesday morning.

I ask myself, why would I want to stay in something that smacks of a seedy Motel 6 for 3 days waiting for my first pt session when I could be at home doing almost as much for myself? Answer was I wouldn't. So I pulled out the AMA card (against medical advice) and signed myself out.

Got home and found out in the middle of the night that my recliner is pretty darn comfy and I can use Howard's laptop from there. So I'm good to go!

However .... the CPM machine just got here and lucky me ... I get to spend about 8 hours a day on it. Which means lying in bed 4 hours at a time. 2 hours a leg, twice a day.

Sure am glad to be home, though!! <3

The knees ...

The closer it gets to the 25th, the more stressed I become. The more I ask myself who I'm really doing this for ... is it me or is it an old pattern of doing things to make everyone else happy. Sometime, I just don't know.

On the pro side ... new knees will totally change the quality of life for me. If what the surgeon and others say is even half true ... I'll kick myself for having waited so long to pursue this path. I know I do kick myself for putting off the bypass surgery for so long .. maybe this will be the same.

I just can't seem to relax into the idea of having both knees done at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the thought of being so totally incapacitated for however long ... or it's the thought of having foreign objects added to my infrastructure ... or if I'm just a plain wuss.

Change only happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.

I've always found new courage when I remember that quote. It helped me through some very troubled times a few years ago ... perhaps it's time to dig it out and remember it again. Letting go has always been hard for me ... whether it's because I'm a closet control freak ... or I'm just too attached to things/people.

It's something I struggle with it seems, on a daily basis ... letting go and not fearing change. Lord only knows the trauma to my system when we bought me this new computer. I'm a basket case til I get everything back to *cough* normal ... and comfy for me. The transition between new and comfy ... is a rocky, tumultuous time for me and my poor darling hubby (who becomes the personification of patience and grace during those times lol).

During those times I pray nightly for the strength and courage to "go with the flow" and not get so wonky about things. How the darling man lives through it is beyond me. (Although I have noticed a slight increase in the number of beer cans on the counter when one of those times is upon is. hahaha)

Anyway ... I need to spend some time this week with positive thoughts and beefing up my courage. I know that this is the right thing to do. I know it will improve my ability to move and live and be pain free. I know that it's silly to allow myself to get swamped with "what ifs". I know I will be fine.

Now I just need to believe that, right?

*grins softly* Only one more week to work on that so I'd best get crackin, eh?

New Toys!

We've finished off our "change of lifestyle" additions. Monday we picked up my new set of wheels and tonight we just got home from picking up Howard's new toy. We're both feeling rather overwhelmed with having bought both this year. Originally we planned to get the rhino this year and the raptor next year ... but the dealer made us an offer that was too good to pass up.

Here's a picture of my new toy. It's so much easier for me to handle than a quad would have been. Plus we have plans to have our son inlaw build us an extension of the roll cage and add a back seat with seat belts so gramma can take a bunch of the grand kids out with her! :)













I held out for the black one. The color scheme for it is called Midnight Armor and it is a flat black with silver/gray flames ... really classy!! And I'm already loving it.



Here's Howard's new toy. It's a 2008 Raptor 700. He's going to be almost as spoiled as me because it has reverse! Something our daughter and son inlaws quads don't have. *grin*













Now we just have to get helmets, goggles and gloves and we're set to go! We've a trip to Oregon planned for the middle of October and both of us are anxious as can be to get up there and race over the sand dunes.

We got hooked on these things last fall when Lesley and Bryce had us tag along to Sand Mountain with them. We got to borrow their quads and a friends Rhino ... and we had so much fun we decided to travel in this direction for our recreation. Neither of us really has a desire to get back into horses (well Howard doesn't ... after the knee surgery I'm going to re-evaluate my dreams lol) and we needed something the two of us would enjoy doing together.

We had so much fun with the trailer when we went to Colorado last year that this just seems like a logical extension of that sort of activity. I'll be posting plenty of pictures of that vacation once we're home again.

Welcome post

Well here goes nothing. lol

I'm not sure how to make this as user friendly or fancy as others I have seen but hopefully the old html knowledge and desire to explore and learn new things will take over.

I don't really have an intent or direction for this to take, I guess that's pretty common with a lot of people and their blogs. Seems to me this will be sort of like a diary only more public ... maybe less private. I meant to start one a year and a half ago when I started on the journey of a life time with my gastric bypass experience ... but "another day" always seemed to distract me from making that happen.

Now I'm facing another life altering step on the path to a new me so I thought I'd give this a try and start recording my thoughts and feelings about this upcoming event.

August 25, I'm scheduled for surgery ... and quite frankly this one psyches me out more than the bypass surgery did. I'm going in for two total knee replacements ... ya, that's right ... both at once because apparently both my knees are equally as bad as the other. No cartilage left on either ... multiple bone spurs (osteophytes) on both ... and the surgeon says if he only did one I'd be back in a month wanting the other done so might as well do both the first time.

The recovery is slower but shorter in overall time. I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of this whole idea. I know I'm the one that's been dragging my feet forever about it ... and ever since I was given the date, sleep seems to evade me most nights without some planning. (ie staying up til I'm about to fall over ... Tylenol pm ... an hour spent walking in the pool to exhaust the muscles and hopefully the brain lol). It doesn't seem to matter that I tell myself this will give me so much freedom. It doesn't seem to matter when all the doctors, family, and friends say I'm going to sail right through this ... what matters is that I can't convince myself yet.

Seems like I can't even isolate a specific area that freaks me out the most. It's a jumble of feelings, fears, worries, etc etc etc. Hopefully this blog will help me come to terms or at least give me a place to vent and toss ideas around. Writing has always been a way for me to get my mind around something so lets hope it works as well as it did 10 yrs ago.