Melancholy time of year ...

This has been a difficult time of year for me for about the last 30 some odd years. It's never been a favorite time season wise for me because spring and summer were always my seasons. It wasn't until about 15 years ago that I found out that I'm one of those who are affected by the lack of sun throughout winter.

But 32 years ago my father passed away. It was and still is, the hardest thing I've ever tried to live through and recover from. I also lost my first horse in September. That was pretty devastating also. Add all those separate things together and it makes it easier to understand why this time of year brings about a case of melancholy for me.

My dad used to call this feeling the mully grumps. Mully grumps were something where you're just sad and a little lost. Sometimes you don't know why and that makes it very hard to understand where the feeling(s) come from ... sometimes you do know but it's still hard to understand.

This year is one of the years where I find myself having a true case of the mully grumps. I just got a phone call from my very best friend in the world that her husband isn't doing well. He's been battling health issues for the last few years and has given her (and me) a few scares ... but really had seemed to be holding his own more recently. So her phone call Sunday was an unwelcome bit of news. She was so upset ... scared ... lost ... worried about him ... worried about herself ... and I find myself totally falling back into old patterns.

I want to fix this for her.

I need to make it better and ease her worries. I find myself sleepless at night because ... I'm very sure ... I can't fix it. All I can do is be here ... try to be strong for her ... and love her. Do you ever wonder if that's enough? I do ... all the time.

I read an article in People magazine about Patrick Swayze. What a heroic person he was. He lived his life his way, right up to the end. My heart aches for what his wife Lisa must be going through right now. How incredibly strong she must be to have stood beside him throughout his illness ... how wonderfully blessed they were to have had each other.

It makes me take stock of my life ... my loved ones ... my husband. Does he know how much I love and depend on him for his strength ... his love ... his friendship. Times like this make me think about his parents and their health ... how frail they seem this year. Their 60th wedding anniversary is next week and I can't imagine what it must be like to have lived with someone that long. Howard and I are at 37 years, and I can't even begin to picture a life without him.

Where does the strength come from? Will I have the courage and faith that Patrick Swayze's wife does? That Howard's parents have?

The mully grumps ... they are visiting again. Maybe it's time to give them a new name.