The knees ...

The closer it gets to the 25th, the more stressed I become. The more I ask myself who I'm really doing this for ... is it me or is it an old pattern of doing things to make everyone else happy. Sometime, I just don't know.

On the pro side ... new knees will totally change the quality of life for me. If what the surgeon and others say is even half true ... I'll kick myself for having waited so long to pursue this path. I know I do kick myself for putting off the bypass surgery for so long .. maybe this will be the same.

I just can't seem to relax into the idea of having both knees done at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the thought of being so totally incapacitated for however long ... or it's the thought of having foreign objects added to my infrastructure ... or if I'm just a plain wuss.

Change only happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.

I've always found new courage when I remember that quote. It helped me through some very troubled times a few years ago ... perhaps it's time to dig it out and remember it again. Letting go has always been hard for me ... whether it's because I'm a closet control freak ... or I'm just too attached to things/people.

It's something I struggle with it seems, on a daily basis ... letting go and not fearing change. Lord only knows the trauma to my system when we bought me this new computer. I'm a basket case til I get everything back to *cough* normal ... and comfy for me. The transition between new and comfy ... is a rocky, tumultuous time for me and my poor darling hubby (who becomes the personification of patience and grace during those times lol).

During those times I pray nightly for the strength and courage to "go with the flow" and not get so wonky about things. How the darling man lives through it is beyond me. (Although I have noticed a slight increase in the number of beer cans on the counter when one of those times is upon is. hahaha)

Anyway ... I need to spend some time this week with positive thoughts and beefing up my courage. I know that this is the right thing to do. I know it will improve my ability to move and live and be pain free. I know that it's silly to allow myself to get swamped with "what ifs". I know I will be fine.

Now I just need to believe that, right?

*grins softly* Only one more week to work on that so I'd best get crackin, eh?