The knees ...

The closer it gets to the 25th, the more stressed I become. The more I ask myself who I'm really doing this for ... is it me or is it an old pattern of doing things to make everyone else happy. Sometime, I just don't know.

On the pro side ... new knees will totally change the quality of life for me. If what the surgeon and others say is even half true ... I'll kick myself for having waited so long to pursue this path. I know I do kick myself for putting off the bypass surgery for so long .. maybe this will be the same.

I just can't seem to relax into the idea of having both knees done at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the thought of being so totally incapacitated for however long ... or it's the thought of having foreign objects added to my infrastructure ... or if I'm just a plain wuss.

Change only happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.

I've always found new courage when I remember that quote. It helped me through some very troubled times a few years ago ... perhaps it's time to dig it out and remember it again. Letting go has always been hard for me ... whether it's because I'm a closet control freak ... or I'm just too attached to things/people.

It's something I struggle with it seems, on a daily basis ... letting go and not fearing change. Lord only knows the trauma to my system when we bought me this new computer. I'm a basket case til I get everything back to *cough* normal ... and comfy for me. The transition between new and comfy ... is a rocky, tumultuous time for me and my poor darling hubby (who becomes the personification of patience and grace during those times lol).

During those times I pray nightly for the strength and courage to "go with the flow" and not get so wonky about things. How the darling man lives through it is beyond me. (Although I have noticed a slight increase in the number of beer cans on the counter when one of those times is upon is. hahaha)

Anyway ... I need to spend some time this week with positive thoughts and beefing up my courage. I know that this is the right thing to do. I know it will improve my ability to move and live and be pain free. I know that it's silly to allow myself to get swamped with "what ifs". I know I will be fine.

Now I just need to believe that, right?

*grins softly* Only one more week to work on that so I'd best get crackin, eh?

New Toys!

We've finished off our "change of lifestyle" additions. Monday we picked up my new set of wheels and tonight we just got home from picking up Howard's new toy. We're both feeling rather overwhelmed with having bought both this year. Originally we planned to get the rhino this year and the raptor next year ... but the dealer made us an offer that was too good to pass up.

Here's a picture of my new toy. It's so much easier for me to handle than a quad would have been. Plus we have plans to have our son inlaw build us an extension of the roll cage and add a back seat with seat belts so gramma can take a bunch of the grand kids out with her! :)













I held out for the black one. The color scheme for it is called Midnight Armor and it is a flat black with silver/gray flames ... really classy!! And I'm already loving it.



Here's Howard's new toy. It's a 2008 Raptor 700. He's going to be almost as spoiled as me because it has reverse! Something our daughter and son inlaws quads don't have. *grin*













Now we just have to get helmets, goggles and gloves and we're set to go! We've a trip to Oregon planned for the middle of October and both of us are anxious as can be to get up there and race over the sand dunes.

We got hooked on these things last fall when Lesley and Bryce had us tag along to Sand Mountain with them. We got to borrow their quads and a friends Rhino ... and we had so much fun we decided to travel in this direction for our recreation. Neither of us really has a desire to get back into horses (well Howard doesn't ... after the knee surgery I'm going to re-evaluate my dreams lol) and we needed something the two of us would enjoy doing together.

We had so much fun with the trailer when we went to Colorado last year that this just seems like a logical extension of that sort of activity. I'll be posting plenty of pictures of that vacation once we're home again.

Welcome post

Well here goes nothing. lol

I'm not sure how to make this as user friendly or fancy as others I have seen but hopefully the old html knowledge and desire to explore and learn new things will take over.

I don't really have an intent or direction for this to take, I guess that's pretty common with a lot of people and their blogs. Seems to me this will be sort of like a diary only more public ... maybe less private. I meant to start one a year and a half ago when I started on the journey of a life time with my gastric bypass experience ... but "another day" always seemed to distract me from making that happen.

Now I'm facing another life altering step on the path to a new me so I thought I'd give this a try and start recording my thoughts and feelings about this upcoming event.

August 25, I'm scheduled for surgery ... and quite frankly this one psyches me out more than the bypass surgery did. I'm going in for two total knee replacements ... ya, that's right ... both at once because apparently both my knees are equally as bad as the other. No cartilage left on either ... multiple bone spurs (osteophytes) on both ... and the surgeon says if he only did one I'd be back in a month wanting the other done so might as well do both the first time.

The recovery is slower but shorter in overall time. I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of this whole idea. I know I'm the one that's been dragging my feet forever about it ... and ever since I was given the date, sleep seems to evade me most nights without some planning. (ie staying up til I'm about to fall over ... Tylenol pm ... an hour spent walking in the pool to exhaust the muscles and hopefully the brain lol). It doesn't seem to matter that I tell myself this will give me so much freedom. It doesn't seem to matter when all the doctors, family, and friends say I'm going to sail right through this ... what matters is that I can't convince myself yet.

Seems like I can't even isolate a specific area that freaks me out the most. It's a jumble of feelings, fears, worries, etc etc etc. Hopefully this blog will help me come to terms or at least give me a place to vent and toss ideas around. Writing has always been a way for me to get my mind around something so lets hope it works as well as it did 10 yrs ago.